All relationships involve caring for a partner. Sometimes you’ll need them more than they need you, and vice versa. Mutual care, and respect, are key parts of maintaining synergy in a romantic relationship. However, when living with a disability or a chronic illness, striking the right balance between being cared for and caring can be precarious.

If you have a long-term mental or physical condition that affects daily life, it’s inevitable that you’ll sometimes need a romantic partner’s help more than they need yours. This help can be physical, like washing the dishes or grocery shopping, medical, dosing out medications and driving you to doctor’s appointments, or emotional support.

My hair is arranged to cascade down my back. My expression is balanced between sultry and innocent. As I moan, I’m encouraging the lackluster performance of my partner enjoying the view beneath me. Apparently, I’m having the time of my life, riding into a sunset of pleasure without a care in the world.

But everything is not as it appears, I am in performance mode. I have lost track of where real pleasure begins and the performance ends. Emulating every porn star I’ve seen on screen, I am lost in ensuring that my partner is satisfied.

The sheets are as tangled as my thoughts, each crease is a reflection of my confusion and exhaustion. There are too many emotions to count. One breaks the surface asking to be processed only to be drowned out by another one demanding attention.

I have a sex hangover.

Last night, the sex I had left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. There was no aftercare. I got too lost in the moment to ask for reassurance. I didn’t ask for the pleasure I dished out to be returned in kind. As the day stretches on, fatigue takes over and I go through my daily routine detached from reality. My bones feel heavy and my brain is overwhelmed with its attempts to sort through the events.